Reviews of Blockbusters I Haven't Seen

        Another week, another over-blown, effects-laden summer blockbuster. It’s an endless parade, one that sucks in cash like a Hoover vacuum year after year. But who really has time to keep up with Hollywood’s every offering? I’ll tell you what, I sure don’t. That’s why I’ve taken the liberty of reviewing the three major tent-poles that I’ve missed so far this summer based only on their trailers, and my general perception. Not fair, you say? Is it fair for Tim Burton to re-heat the same aesthetic for each new movie he makes? Is it fair that we still have to wait another week for Prometheus? Was Battleship fair? I didn’t think so! Prepare, you bloated tinsel-town offerings, to be judged unfairly!

Dark Shadows

Or, as some folks are calling it, Hot Topic: The Movie. Johnny Depp stars as a vampire, which is important, because were he a regular human being, there would be no reason to cover his face in clown make-up. Back from the grave, Pale-Depp toils about a Tim-Burton-y castle, ripe with dark corridors, and Helena Bonham Carters. Some odd bits of dark humor occur here and there, but never nothing too strange, the Disney executives would like to remind you. Mostly Johnny Depp just wears clown make-up, which has always been more than enough for certain fans of his. Burton is fine with this; He’s in the back, still counting cash from Alice in Wonderland, all while ensuring that his wife still has work. Happy Wife, Happy Life. Must be fun for them. It wasn’t (see: wouldn’t have been) fun for me. 

Extremely Official Grade: C-

Men In Black III

Will Smith, you’re such a weirdo. After a decade-plus of headlining mega-grossers on the regular, Smith experienced one (count ‘em, ONE) box office set-back with Seven Pounds, and disappeared from screen for 3 and a half years. The guy obviously can’t handle failure, which is probably why he decided to dust off the old suit, and step back into the most can’t-miss property to which he’s ever been attached. This time, Smith’s Agent J is sent back in time to hang out with a younger Tommy Lee Jones, played by Josh Brolin. This proves three things: (A) That Hollywood thinks Jones’ face is too old and wrinkly to have up on screen for long stretches of time, (B) Brolin does a killer Tommy Lee Jones impression, which, this writer theorizes, was perfected on the set of No Country for Old Men, (C) Even after you’re a famous and celebrated actor, your big blockbuster break might just be playing a younger version of a now too-ugly actor (Hollywood’s assessment, not mine), in a movie that really only exists to make a superstar feel better about himself. Sorry I haven’t seen your movie yet, Will, and please don’t take it personally. I bet it’s alright, though I’m going to have to knock you a grade or two for letting Pit Bull do the theme song.

Extremely Official Grade: C

Snow White & the Huntsman

Have you ever picked up a sword? I’ve only ever handled prop ones (that’s right: stage sword fighting. Be jealous/impressed), and even those weigh a ton. Kristen Stewart, bless her frowny-faced heart, could never wield one, which was a deal-breaker for me until I finally unlocked the mystery of Snow White & the Huntsman: It’s an unauthorized sequel to Twilight! Bella Swan already has her vampire strength, which is why she can fight so furociously, of course! Thanks to the power of hormones, Jacob’s voice dropped a few octaves over the summer, he dyed his hair, and, ‘poof,’ he looks like Thor. Edward somehow turned into Charlize Theron in the translation, but he did maintain his status as, ‘the fairest of them all.’ What a unique and provocative take on a previously existing mythology!

Extremely Official Grade: A-

Why The Avengers isn't the Best Superhero Movie of All Time

        Last weekend, The Avengers had the biggest opening weekend ever at the box office. Wait, scratch that. Last weekend, The Avengers had BY FAR the biggest opening weekend ever at the box office, bettering Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part 2's $169.2 million to the tune of $207.4. As if that wasn't impressive enough, the movie has held extremely well through-out its first several days, becoming the first flick ever to post over $100 million in its second weekend, throttling Avatar's previous sophomore session cash-grab record of $75.6. Why is the movie such a sensation? Well, there are a variety of factors. There's the four-year build-up that we've had through all of the other Marvel Studios' tent-poles. There's a mind-blowing saturation in the media, ensuring everyone and their pet cat knows it's out there. But most importantly, as both Rotten Tomatoes, and your good buddy Greg will tell you, it's because it's really good. Just don't tell me that it's the Best Superhero Movie of All Time, because it's not.

        As it often is, the term, 'All Time,' is a but misleading here. Superman and Batman made it to the silver screen before the 2000's, but just about every other property had to wait, which means that unless you're picking one of those movies, or their sequels, your test sample is pretty damn small. Like, 2000-2012 small. Despite that tiny window, there have been a variety of winners already, from the first and second X-Men, to Marvel's wheelhouse, and so forth. The Avengers has immediately joined the all-time club, and deservedly so. It's slick, fun, and full of both great characters, and gonzo action sequences. I personally have a few issues with it, but this article isn't so much about bashing Marvel's massive tent-pole as it is returning the crown to its rightful owner... or splitting it between its rightful owners, as it were.

        The first, and most obvious challenger is The Dark Knight, a movie that essentially assumed the mantle of Best Superhero Movie Ever upon its release in the summer of 2008. Epic, propulsive, and possessing Heath Ledger's legendary performance, Knight saw superhero flicks to a new realm, one wherein audiences were expected to juggle about 15 balls at once for two and a half straight hours. Gone was the levity that the genre was used to, replaced with sorrow, loss, and bravery under fire that would have made the Bard proud. The Joker was such a dynamic villain, attacking Gotham with twisted mind-games, prompting Bruce Wayne to partake in some patriot-act style invasions of privacy. It's a meaty story, brilliantly shot, and stitched together in such a way that glues eyes to screens. Simply put, The Avengers weighs about half as much as Batman's last outing: The plots of its villain boil down to simple, 'I'll take over the world!' cliches, the visuals are no where near as entrancing, and the actual feeling that something might go wrong for our heros is no where to be found. But The Avengers never wanted to be The Dark Knight, you say? It's goofier, more true to the way that comic books actually read, and simply more fun, you say?

        If that's the game that you want to play, then Spider-Man 2, for my money, takes the cake. Director Sam Raimi has a masterful way of making fun of what's onscreen without stripping the audience of anything to care about. Spider-Man was a winner in pretty much every regard, and then its sequel took all of that, and made it even better. Though Joss Whedon works wonders with his massive cast, the silly, endearing, empathy-exuding performance of Tobey Maguire connects on a much more emotional level, all while being wholly true to the wizz-bang nature of comic books. Yet again, Alfred Molina's Doc Oc is a much, much more compelling baddie than Tom Hiddleston, not necessarily because of the respective performers, but because Octopus actually has a back story, and ethos attached (Not to mention a few terrifying appendages). You could argue that Loki was already developed from Thor, but that doesn't really excuse the fact that, in the duration of the specific movie in question, he mostly just sneers, and stand idly by as a hoard of CGI goons do his bidding.

         So, there you have it. I'm not really sure which one out of Spider-Man 2 and The Dark Knight I personally would have sitting on the throne; It kind of depends on the day. Serious-minded, sprawling, thought-provoking: You're going Batman. Ah-shucks, gee-wizz, popcorn-munching glory? It's the web-slinger. Sure, The Avengers kind of straddles the line between those two polarities, but when said polarities are as perfectly realized as these two, picking an in-betweener is hard to justify. You can slot The Avengers as high as second, but in the opinion of this writer, Iron Man and friends have no business claiming the #1 spot.

15 GREAT Actors Who Can't Act AT ALL

Searching around the internet, a fair amount of different definitions for, 'acting,' can be found. One reads, "Temporarily assuming the duties or authority of another." Another calls it, "The art or practice of representing a character on a stage or before cameras." But who needs a definition; You know what acting is, right? It's the ability to morph one's self into a different person or character, the chemeleonic abilities and range of a particular thespian used as a tool to evaluate talent. If we can all agree on that, then allow me to offer a claim on which we just might differ on: Almost no One in Hollywood is a real actor, even the really, really good actors.
      
        For the last several years, I've had to hear One person after another bemoan the minimal acting ranges of comic actors like Michael Cera or Seth Rogen. Even I can't help but observe it upon occasion. What's absurd about this argument, however, is that it ignores the fact that almost every well-known and highly-regarded actor really only does one thing, from Cera's mumbling self-doubter, all the way down to Cary Grant's too-suave-to-be-real besuited gentleman. This article is titled the way it is for a reason: These are screen idols who offer something irreplaceable and specific to their films, which certifies them as great actors, and I have done my best to limit this list to top tier performers only. However, they also hardly ever change up their schtick in any way, which would tend to imply that they can't really act a lick. Here's your list, ordered from most versatile to least:

P.S. Congratulations to Sean Penn, who was so vivacious and great in Milk that, when paired with good old Jeff Spicoli, I feel alright giving him a pass on his near-permanent, 'I Hate the World,' vibe.

15. Paul Giamatti
The Part He Aways Plays: Short-Fused, Ever-Suffering Shouter Who's On the Verge a Breakdown
Examples: American Splendor, Sideways, Shoot 'em Up, Barney's Version, Win Win
        As a supporting player, Giamatti can see a few different uses, but thus far into his career, the lovably surly schlub has really only been used One way. It's not easy being versital when your expression eternally suggests that you just smelled something foul, so we should probably expect some more crotchety Giamatti in the future.

14. Carey Mulligan
The Part She Always Plays: Doe-Eyed Innocent Entering into a Cold, Cruel World
Examples: An Education, Wall Street: Money Never Sleeps, Never Let Me Go, Drive
        Carey only gets to be this low on the list because she's hardly been in anything yet, but her angel-crashing-down act remains all that we've really seen of her. It's good stuff, but that's a pretty exact box to fit into.

13. Don Cheadle
The Part He Always Plays: Straight-Man Side Kick With a Caring, Gentle Inner-Sould
Examples: Traffic, Reign Over Me, Ocean's Eleven, Twelve, and Thirteen, Iron Man 2, The Guard
        Need a guy to pal around with the funny/eccentric/charming lead character of your movie? Don Cheadle is here for you, offering just enough charisma to win over the audience, but not enough to distract from that juicy lead role at the center of your flick.

12. Nicole Kidman
The Part She Always Plays: Chilly Personality Who's Noticeably Distanced From the World Around Her
Examples: Moulin Rogue, The Others, The Hours, Cold Mountain, Margot at the Wedding, Rabbit Hole
        Aloofness simply wafts off of Kidman, a fact that was used to great effect in last year's Rabbit Hole, but seriously, why so far away, Nicole? I don't care how famous she is, the woman seems like she'd be a bummer to hang out with.

11. Michelle Williams
The Part She Always Plays: Stoic and Strong-Willed Woman In the Midst of Having Her Life Torn Apart
Examples: Brokeback Mountain, Wendy and Lucy, Synecdoche, New York, Blue Valentine, Meek's Cutoff
        Williams has been climbing up the ranks of, 'serious actresses,' for a few years now, and there's good reason: The woman can embody a sense of feminine strength better than anyone else working today. She's so good at it, in fact, that no one asks her to do anything else, besides suffer, that is.

10. Leonardo DiCaprio
The Part He Always Plays: Haggard Straight-Shooter Who's Haunted By Innumerable Demons
Examples: The Departed, Blood Diamond, Body of Lies, Revolutionary Road, Shutter Island, Inception, J. Edgar (I know it's not out yet, but have you seen that trailer?)
        Leo gets off kind of easy because he showed some real range in his olden days, from his youthful, dashing playboys in Titanic and Catch Me If You Can, to his oscar-nominated work as a mentally handicapped teen in What's Eating Gilbert Grape? But I have One question for you, dear reader: When is the last time that you saw DiCaprio smile in a movie? I for One don't know the answer.

9. Colin Firth
The Part He Always Plays: Timid, Sad, Beautiful Soul Who You Root For Like Hell, But Would Probably Bore You In Real Life
Examples: Bridget Jones's Diary, Love Actually, Mamma Mia!, A Single Man, The King's Speech
        To be fair, I have never seen the role that seems to endear most people to the Brit, that being the BBC version of Pride & Prejudice, but, 'lovably meek,' could accurately describe every role that I've ever seen him in. Sure, his King's Speech performance was pretty moving, but sub out the stutter, and what separates it from the rest of Firth's catalog?

8. Kevin Spacey
The Part He Always Plays: Smarmy Smart-Ass Who Just Might Be the Smartest Guy in the Room
Examples: Swimming With Sharks, The Usual Suspects, L.A. Confidential, American Beauty, The Big Kahuna, K. Pax (JK), Fred Clause, 21, Casino Jack, Horrible Bosses
        Kevin Spacey is probably my very most favorite actor working today, and even I can't deny that the dude is a total one-trick pony. The guy colors inside the lines something fierce; I just happen to be tickled by what he draws. Seriously though, that's a long list of movies to play rough variations of the same shady, sarcastic bastard.

7. Bill Murray
The Part He Always Plays, 1979-1993: Charming Lay-About Who Takes Next to Nothing Seriously
Examples: Meatballs, Stripes, Tootsie, Ghostbusters, Scrooged, Groundhog Day
The Part He Always Plays, 1993-Present: Hopelessly Depressed and Nearly Impossible to Faze
Examples: Ed Wood, Rushmore, The Royal Tenenbaums, Lost in Translation, The Life Aquatic, Broken Flowers, Get Low
        Somewhere along the line, Murray stopped being a haphazard hellion and morphed into the silently solum character that he occupies today (me thinks it had something to do with Wes Anderson), but during both phases, he was mostly only doing that One thing. Having Two different basic characters does perhaps make him more versatile than some actors on this list, but its not like he alternates between the Two. Downer Bill is here to stay.

6. Al Pacino
The Part He Always Plays: Furiously Intense Tough Guy with an Obvious Napoleon Complex
Examples: The Godfather Part's I and II, Serpico, Dog Day Afternoon, Scarface, Heat, The Insider, Insomnia, Righteous Kill 
        This might be my first step onto truly hallowed ground, but this article was always going to upset some people, so I'd might as well get going. Nobody in their right mind would argue that Pacino is the actor today that he once was, and they have plenty of comparable evidence: The dude has been playing the same stressed-out hard-ass for the last few decades, and it's readily evident that his fire started to wain quite a while ago.

5. Russell Crowe
The Part He Always Plays: Heroic Workman Champion With Some Real Aggression Simmering Just Below the Surface
Examples: L.A. Confidential, The Insider, Gladiator, Master and Commander, Cinderella Man, 3:10 to Yuma, American Gangster, Body of Lies, State of Play, Robin Hood, The Next Three Days
        Do I really need to explain this One? Few people in Hollywood yearn so deeply to be taken seriously, and Crowe accomplishes his goal by being... well, unfailingly serious. Could you ever, and I mean ever picture that dogged face in a comedy? Because I sure as hell couldn't.

4. Morgan Freeman
The Part He Always Plays: A Wise, Experienced Vet With a Palpable Air of Grace and Authority
Examples: Glory, The Power of One, Unforgiven, The Shawshank Redemption, Se7en, Amistad, Bruce Almighty, Million Dollar Baby, Batman Begins, An Unfinished Life, Lucky Number Slevin, Evan Almighty, Gone Baby Gone, The Bucket List, Wanted, The Dark Knight, Invictus, Red, and as the narrator of everything.
        The day that Freeman was cast as God in Bruce Almighty must have been One of the biggest face-palm moments in the history of the movie industry. Even Freeman's occasional bad guys move and talk and act and exude grace in the exact same way as his lovable types. Without a doubt the perfect actor to play the lord on high... but not really too much else.

3. Denzel Washington
The Part He Always Plays: Pacino's Surface-Level Fury, Paired with Freeman's Grace and Innate Sense of Leadership
Examples: Glory, Malcolm X, The Bone Collector, The Hurricane, Remember the Titans, Training Day, John Q, Antwone Fisher, Out of Time, Man on Fire, The Manchurian Candidate, Inside Man, Deja Vu, American Gangster, The Great Debaters, The Taking of Pelham 123, The Book of Eli, Unstoppable
        Thought of as a critical and commercial titan of the industry just a few short years ago, Washington has now taken to slumming it up in feather-brained action movies, and even has a pretty hilarious SNL skit dedicated to his complete and total lack of range. The guy can turn up the intensity with the absolute best of them, but he's done it a few too many times in a row to be taken as seriously as he once was.

2. Robert DeNiro
The Part He Always Plays: Serious-Minded Individual With a Steely, Intense Exterior Who Might, Quite Possibly, Be Totally Bat-Shit Crazy On the Inside.
Examples: The Godfather Part II, Taxi Driver, The Deer Hunter, Raging Bull, Once Upon a Time in America, The Untouchables, Goodfellas, Cape Fear, Casino, Heat, Sleepers, Jackie Brown, Ronan, Men of Honor, the Meet the Parents movies, Hide and Seek, The Good Shepard, Righteous Kill, Stone, Limitless, Killer Elite
        I know, I know, settle down. DeNiro is, without question, One of the greatest screen actors in history who also happens to be a personal favorite of mine, his Raging Bull work serving as my fall-back answer to the question, 'What's the greatest performance you've ever seen?' In a sense, his being on this list is almost a compliment: The name DeNiro is synonymous with not only a certain type of ambience, but also a type of movie, performance, character, and even body language. The man's younger mad-man years are iconic to the point that modern-day DeNiro almost seems like he's trying to act especially like himself. He doesn't have to try too hard.

1. Jack Nicholson
The Part He Always Plays: Jack Nicholson
Examples: Every Movie with Jack Nicholson
        Bold statement time: Jack Nicholson is the most distinctive actor in the history of American Cinema. When you sign him up to be in your movie, you're buying a very, very, very particular flavor, One that has led him to Three Oscars, and a variety of other accomplishments. Oh, and you also get Jack Nicholson, a human too unique to ever be even somewhat lost in a character. He's played good, bad, happy, sad, and everything in between, but regardless of the movie, when you look up on screen, you see Jack.

25 Things within the World of Harry Potter that just DON'T MAKE SENSE!

        This last Friday, Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part 2 was finally released, marking the end of the Boy Wizard's cinematic journey. Having read all of the books, seen all of the films, and having grown up as a member of Generation Potter, there are all sorts of things that I could write for the occasion. I could talk about how the series got a whole group of young people reading again, or how deeply the lexicon of the magical world has infiltrated popular culture. Better yet, I could rank each of the movies and books, or even discuss the jaw-dropping number of box office records the new film shattered over the weekend (biggest midnight showing ever, biggest single day ever, biggest domestic opening ever, biggest foreign opening ever, biggest world-wide opening ever). But I'm not going to do those things (save the mini-list you just read), and you know why? Because everyone's doing it!

        So, I'm going to celebrate the passing of Potter in my own way: by making fun of it! The following is a list of 25 things within the world of Harry Potter that simply don't add up. Feel free to leave a comment below disputing any of my claims, or, better yet, adding to the list. Enjoy:

1. What's up with broom sticks, anyways?
        Sure, us Muggles seem to be a bit more weary of our safety than your average wizard, but would anyone in their right mind really feel secure riding for miles on end at top speeds and sizable heights on something that doesn't even have handles, let alone seat belts? And what about the splinters? Wouldn't your hands get sweaty and slippery with only a small wooden cylinder to hold on to? On a different level, why do witches and wizards even know about brooms, anyways? Surely they have more graceful, effective methods of cleaning their dungeon floors. Most importantly, given how riding a bike feels after extended periods, wouldn't broom riding reeeeeeeeeeally be murder on your butt? Just sayin'...

2. Three unforgivable curses, one unbeatable
        For all of the curses and counter-curses that exist within J.K. Rowling's universe, wouldn't you think there would be more than one with the power to kill? Doesn't it get a little dull for Voldemort to use the same two words to wipe out every last person? Even us non-magical folk have figured out more than one way to rub someone out.

3. Why aren't Ron and Hermione the, 'Cool Kids,' at Hogwarts?
        As if being besties with The Chosen One isn't cool enough, Ron and Hermione save the lives of everyone in the school on a seemingly yearly basis. Why aren't these kids way, way, way more popular? Everyone treats Ron like a doofy, red-headed stepchild, and Hermione like a know-it-all bookworm. I don't know about your school, but where I grew up, saving the world on the regular would yield much greater rewards. Harry and Ron can't even find dates to the Yule Ball!?! In real life, they would be crawling with ladies. Hermione, on the other-hand, might prove too intimidating to go after. Ah, gender roles...

4. Is Lily Potter really the very first person to take the bullet for someone in the wizarding world?
        OK, so, Harry is the only person to ever survive the Avada Kedavra curse, and it was because his mother sacrificed her life out of love for him. That all checks out. But hasn't anyone tried that before? There are two incidences of half-bood genocide over the course of just 20 years, and not a single person in the Harry Potter universe has even tried taking the bullet for a loved one? What a selfish lot!

5. Quiddich: the worst sport of all time
        Leave it to the wizarding world to invent a game even worse than Soccer. Sure, Quiddich is fun, and exciting, and what not, but its scoring system is nothing short of moronic. Goals are worth 10 points, and catching the snitch is worth 150? Unless you're a seeker, why bother even trying? As long as you're not losing by a whopping 16 GOALS, you're golden. And don't bring up Krum catching it early at the world cup: Purposely losing a game is called quitting, not being honorable.

6. All that magic and you're still wearing glasses...
        Seriously, they can literally grow back entire skeletons in a night's time, and yet no one has figured out a spell or potion to cure poor eye-sight? Maybe it's just a fashion thing, but fixing Harry's vision should be as easy as swish and flick.

7. Who gives a rip about Jesus; we can do MAGIC!
        Witches and wizards can literally defy the most basic and essential tenant of physics by creating matter, and yet they still celebrate Christmas? Turning water into wine is probably a spell that you learn in your third year, and with the ghosts ever-lurking around castle corridors, I can't imagine conquering death seems all that cool, either. Maybe they only celebrate the Santa/Coca-Cola Christmas.

8. Have fun at Hogwarts, kids. We'll see you in the afterlife
        Another year, another threat to every living thing inside the walls of Hogwarts. How can all of these parents feel good about continuously placing their children's lives at risk? Do they not know what happens in the castle? Are there no parent-teacher meetings? The second I heard the words, 'giant, hostile, three-headed dog,' my off-spiring would be headed for Durmstrang.

9. Spring: A Wizard's most dangerous season
        Spring is a rough school season even in real life: You can almost feel the warm rays of summer on your back, and yet you have to focus on all of your final tests and most daunting projects. But that's nothing compared to the experiences of Harry, Ron and Hermione, who narrowly escape death as a seasonal occasion. Seriously, Harry's life is in danger at the end of literally every school year. I suppose the other two have it a bit easier, but almost meeting your demise during your 11th, 12th, 15th, and 17th springs is nothing to scoff at. As soon as winter starts thawing out, you'd better hide.

10. Dumbledore: wise and inspiring figure, poor talent evaluator
        Dumbledore might be one of the greatest wizards to ever live, but he couldn't differentiate a good teacher from a bad one if his life depended on it. Seriously, six different Defense Against the Dark Arts teachers in six years? That's a pretty rough track record, especially when one is a talentless fraud, another is a werewolf, and two are acting under the direction of the Dark Lord. Sure, he gets as pass on ministry-imposed Dolores Umbridge, but that doesn't make up for hiring a fake like Trelawney, or a leech like Slughorn. Seriously, Dumbledore: You need to do more extensive background checks.

11. Voldemort: powerful wizard, lousy strategist
        He may be the most feared wizard in the world, but Voldemort has a pronounced tendency to act first, and think second. Trust Draco Malfoy to kill Dumbledore: seriously? You're sending a 16-year-old to murder your biggest rival? I know you want to crush the Malfoy family into submission, but aren't there less important tasks to do it with? And if Voldy knows all about the prophecy and the date of birth that it singles out, why doesn't he make sure to kill Neville, just in case? Maybe that would be a good job for Draco! For such a leader of men, old Tom Riddle is pretty lousy at the crossing T's and dotting I's kinda stuff.

12. What a surprise: The Tri-Wizard Tournament killed someone!
        Sure, no one could have predicted that Cedric Diggory would be snuffed by Voldemort at the end of the final challenge, but you had to expect someone to bite the dust during this contest. 16-year-olds versus full-grown, fire-breathing dragons, and murderous merpeople? It's a miracle you didn't kill all of these kids! Count your blessing, and then lower your standards.

13. Breaking out of Azkaban is inexplicably time-consuming
        Not to hate on Sirius Black or anything, but what took you so long? If all it took was losing a bit of weight and slipping into dog form, couldn't he have just starved himself for a few months, and made a break for it straight-away? Also, is Sirius the first Animagus ever imprisoned at Azkaban? Seems unlikely, and yet those oh-so-powerful Dementors saw a dog running through the halls and didn't think twice about it.

14. That's no way to treat The Boy Who Lived!
        Not to be sacrilegious about it or anything, but isn't Harry something of a Christ-figure in the world he inhabits? Do you really think that the masses would side with a smarmy politician like Minister Fudge against the person responsible for returning order and peace to their world? Come on, Seamus, you'd be dead without this kid, he's saved the school twice already, and you're still not going to take him at his word? Tough crowd...

15. Where's the (magical) Beef?
        A bit silly, but if wizards have awesome candy and vaguely alcoholic drinks, why isn't there more wizard-specific food served at Hogwarts? Chicken legs and potatoes again? That's muggle-fodder. Let's get some hippogriph wings up in here!

16. Can we get a head-count?
        How many magical people are there in the world? Hogwarts seems to educate anywhere between 200 to 1,000 students at a time, depending on the filmic adaptation, and only two other schools are ever mentioned. Yet there's a fully-staffed political system, and even populous enough to make the Quiddich World Cup a multi-national event. Where are they all hiding, and don't they all need educations too?

17. Will someone give Bartie Crouch an Oscar already?
        I'm sure that Bartie Crouch did his fair share of homework before deciding to impersonate one of the most iconic wizards around for an entire year, but seriously, no one figured it out? His mannerisms and voice were sooo spot on that even those who had known Mad Eye Moody for years didn't think twice? That's a tough voice to impersonate, and even trickier body-language. Hats off to the mystical world's finest thespian.

18. The Weasleys: The most alluring family in all the land
        I'm known to admire a ginger girl or two, but there's something in those Weasley genes that seems to knock just about everyone off their feet. Much has been made about goofy old Ron landing a wip-smart, adventure-seeking babe like Hermione, but that's just the tip of the ice burg. Ginny ends up with the savior of the world, and big brother Bill bags Fleur Delacour, a woman whose beauty makes everyone around her go weak at the knees. Not bad for a bunch of copper-tops.

19. Sure, Harry, the Durselys will keep you safe!
        I understand that the Dursely's are Harry's legal guardians, but do you really think sending him back to the Muggle world is such a good idea? Voldemort has an easy enough time getting to the boy wizard as is. Somehow I don't think he would find the prospect of facing down Vernon and Petunia all that daunting.

20. I've heard of peaking early, but this is ridiculous!
        You know that kid who was really, really cool in high school, and then didn't end up amounting to much thereafter? That's everyone at Hogwarts. I'm sure that vanquishing evil a handful of times before you can even buy cigarettes might make grown-up life kind of boring, but do you really think that each and every single one of your buddies would end up marrying the person they were dating in prep-school? Even Voldemort, the most powerful wizard around, hid half his sole within the school, encased in various Hogwarts swag and merchandise. Get over it, dude.

21. Ministry of Magic=House of Cards
        I understand that the ministry was under some pretty extreme pressure, but would it really only take a few months to secretly over-throw an entire government? As late into the story as the end of the sixth book, the Ministry is still a no-no to all things Voldemort. A few months later, they've got a freakin' statue dedicated to Muggle abuse right outside the door. In the future, more amendments might help.

22. Those are some well-trained owls you have there
        When I see a large flock of birds flying above me, I look for cover. The kids at Hogwarts: they just finish their dinner. Seriously, no bird poops or even sheds wings as they deliver letters night after night? And what about Bird-Flu? How is this not a health code violation?

23. I may hate Half-Bloods, but deep down, I'm color-blind
        In a world just as preoccupied with establishing and prolonging prejudices based on heritage as we are, isn't it strange that no one cares about race? Especially little Draco, the perfect Aryan, who uses the term, 'Mud-Blood,' in every other sentence. Good news for Kingsley Shackbolt, I suppose.

24. It's Friday Night, Let's...
        It's alluded to at points, but it sure seems like the wizarding world is woefully lacking in the pop-culture department. Yeah, if I could do magic, I suppose summer blockbuster movies wouldn't be quite as cool, but what about music? How does one even listen to recorded music without electricity? Are the only people who are famous those who have actually accomplished something of meaning? Well, that kind of sounds quite nice, but still, what do people talk about/spend their free time on if not books (not textbooks), movies, and music?

25. It's like sword-fighting, only lame and non-sensical
        This seems to be the whipping-boy of the Harry Potter universe of late, and why not? What exactly is going on during a wand duel? Some of them seem to consist of actual spell-casting, but often, and especially the ones between Harry and Voldemort, they look like two people trying to pull a magnet off of something. Is the wand doing all the work for you? And how is it exactly that you win? Do you just have to want it more or something? I guess we'll never know...

Sidney Lumet: The Best Director You've Never Heard Of

        Eleven days ago, the film world was dealt a devastating blow in the passing of Sidney Lumet. To be sure, the, "Best Director You've Never Heard Of," tag that I'm posting this under is untrue for many people, but when the scope of the man's accomplishment is considered, one would have to think Lumet (pronounced Loo-Met) has every reason to be a house-hold name. One of the first Directors whose work I really gravitated towards when I started getting more seriously interested in movies, the news of Lumet's death has filled me with great sadness, but is also now providing me with an excuse to speak at length about one of my favorite film-makers. I'm no where near as qualified as some, having only seen six of his films, but I wanted to take the opportunity to discuss the pieces that I have witnessed, and also speak a bit about his various accomplishments and importance in the world of cinema. Here we go:

12 Angry Men (1957)
        Though Lumet had been working in television for some time before, 12 Angry Men marks his feature debut as a helms-man, and is widely considered one of the greatest first-movies ever made. Henry Fonda stars as Juror #8, one of the movie's titular 12 who are tasked with deciding whether a young man is guilty of murder, and the lone member who's not wholly convinced of the boy's guilt. Set almost entirely in a deliberation room, 12 Angry Men is an early look at Lumet's mastery of filming in tight spaces, neither his plot nor his visuals ever becoming dull despite never changing locations. The movie could genuinely be described as inspirational, a term that has been re-appropriated in our modern world to mean cheesy, predictable, and often founded on White Guilt. 12 Angry Men is none of these things: It's the simple, stripped down story of one man who believes that everyone deserves a chance, and does everything in his power to ensure that the accused gets one. Nominated for Best Picture, Best Director, and Best Adapted Screenplay, 12 Angry Men would go home empty handed on Oscar night (Losing each award to the similarly sensational The Bridge on the River Kwai), but people took notice then, and still have yet to forget. The film currently sits at #6 on Internet Movie Data Base's Top 250 movies of all-time as voted by users, a whopping twenty two slots ahead of the next highest-rated, English-language movie from the 1950's (Rear Window).

Serpico (1973)
        If you're tired of the one-cop-against-the-world cropping up in every movie, Sidney Lumet's right around the first person you should blame. Serpico is the earliest example of this that I've seen, wherein Al Pacino stars as the movie's namesake, an honest NYC cop who goes under-cover and catches the baddies only to realize that his fellow officers are no less corrupt than the crooks he sets to capturing. Released one year after The Godfather and the same year as Martin Scorsese's Mean Streets (the first of his movies to delve into the world of crime and corruption that would eventually make him famous), Serpico sits at the forefront of the 70's fascination with the seedy under-bellies of big cities, not to mention inspiring a spin-off TV show back when that wasn't just common. Pacino earned only his second Oscar nomination for the role, and first in a leading roll, though the film would lose that award, along with its other bid, Best Adapted Screenplay.

Dog Day Afternoon (1975)
        Returning to the world of tight spaces that made him famous, Dog Day Afternoon again stars Pacino as real-life small-time bank robber Sonny Wortzik. After a hiccup or two disrupts their plans, Sonny and his partner Sal (John Cazale) find themselves surrounded by police officers, and engage in a stand-off that lasts all day, a media frenzy revealing things about the crooks' past all the while. Presently my second favorite Lumet movie, DDA is tense and sweat inducing, but it also boasts of style, humor, and an incredible amount of empathy for its lead characters. The movie would gather six Academy Award nominations, winning just one (Best Original Screenplay), but the way that the movie has stood the test of time says far more than a few 70's voters ever could. Pacino's performance is widely considered to not only be one of his greatest achievements, but also stands as a mainstay on every Best Performances Ever list that you will ever come across (Just try Googling one that doesn't name it, I dare you). The frequency of its appearances on said countdowns is only matched by the likes of Meryl Streep in Sophie's Choice, Peter O'Toole in Lawrence of Arabia, and (most importantly) Marlon Brando in On the Waterfront. What's more, writing about the movie provides me with a perfect platform to rattle off my favorite movie statistic of all time: DDA stands as Cazale's fourth feature film appearance, and though he would only get to be in one more before his untimely death at the age of 42, each of the five movies that have his name in the credits received an Oscar nomination for Best Picture. How's that for choosing your roles?

Network (1976)
        My favorite work in the Lumet canon, and not to mention one of the best movies from the greatest decade that American Cinema has yet to see, I can say without the least bit of hyperbole that Network is far and away the most prophetic movie I've ever seen. Set in the world of 1970's television, Peter Finch stars as Howard Beale, a long-time anchor man who starts to lose it in his old age. When his un-scriped ramblings about a decaying world garner a huge spike in viewership, power-driven career woman Diana Christensen (Faye Dunaway) over-halls the whole network in his image, opting for shocking, minimally scripted programming while the other stations stick with standard fare. The reflections of both The Daily Show and Reality TV as a whole are clear to see, as the movie is mind-blowingly perceptive of the impending change in how people would soon prefer their media. The movie would grab an massive ten Oscar nominations, including an astounding five acting nods, including three victories (Finch, Dunaway, and Beatrice Straight for Supporting Actress... and yes, that means it only lost in one acting category). Much like Pacino's Serpico performance, scribe Paddy Chayefsky's script is right at the summit of every Best Screenplays Ever list that the internet can dream up, its pseudo-dystopia clearly inspiring any number of time-and-place critics that came afterwards.

The Verdict (1982)
        This influential courtroom drama stars Paul Newman as Frank Galvin, a hard-drinking, down-on-his-luck lawyer who takes on a negligence case against a hospital who's beyond equip to fight him in court. A character study more so than a morality tale, Lumet transposes his grainy 70's style to a new decade in order to show the motivations and demons behind Galvin's every move. While not the ground-breaker than many of his early works still stand as, The Verdict is supremely well acted, expertly constructed, and gripping and unpredictable to the very end. Newman is so good at playing past his prime that I set to wondering if this had been his last nominated performance. Turns out the guy had three more in him, winning his first acting Oscar only a year after receiving one for lifetime achievement.

Before the Devil Knows You're Dead... (2007)
        Yes, you read that right: At the ripe old age of 84, Lumet directed his last movie, exactly fifty years after he helmed his first. But while most directors at that age tend to look for more quiet and/or uplifting stories to tell, BtDKYD is nothing of the sort. Ethan Hawke and Philip Seymour Hoffman star as a couple of struggling brothers who decide to rob their parents' jewelry store for some extra cash. Things go awry, and their father (Albert Finney) and mutual squeeze (Marisa Tomei) get caught in the crossfire. Chuck-full of violence, swearing, and a slew of age-defying, eye-popping, and just plain super-smokin' nude scenes featuring Tomei, it's about the last think that you'd expect a human in their ninth decade of life to be interested in, but his vitality is all over the thing. As searingly intense as it is morally ambiguous, The Devil is ample proof that Lumet would never let a silly thing like age effect his directorial choices, or the kinetic, electric feeling of his work.




        As I said earlier, I am no where near as qualified to speak on Mr. Lumet as I wish that I was, but the head-spinning prolificness of the man makes it nearly impossible to be a genuine expert. Not counting his television or documentary work, Lumet directed a grand total of forty-three movies during his fifty year career. This absurd level of productivity is said to bring down the overall quality of his filmography, keeping him off the short list of best 70's directors where he so clearly belongs. Stacking Lumet's best movies right next to those of Scorsese, Coppola, and Kubrick reveals a shockingly slight discrepancy, if any at all. Though the only Oscar that Lumet himself ever took home was for Lifetime Achievement, the man guided four performers to statuettes, and more importantly, directed a staggering total of eighteen nominated performances. If you're looking to study up (and obviously, I'd say you should), twelve of his films are available on Netflix instant watch as of this posting, including each film listed above beside 12 Angry Men and Serpico. So next time you're thinking about the film-making greats (or looking for a classic to catch up on), don't forget Lumet. The film world never will.